Excuses, Excuses

Posted on April 3rd, 2008 in Adult by

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”

Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

What Can Be Worst?

Posted on March 31st, 2008 in school by

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’ With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion…Dad she’s pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.

We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.

She deserves it. Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that’s in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.

What Kind Of Ticket Is This?

Posted on March 20th, 2008 in Funny Pictures by

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Definition Of Marriage

Posted on March 20th, 2008 in Quote by

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other person is the husband.

A Blonde Takes A Bet

Posted on March 3rd, 2008 in Blonde by

A blonde and brunette are watching the news. The blonde says to the brunette, “I bet you $100 that the man won’t jump off of the building.”

Brunette takes the bet, and the man jumps. The brunette says, “No, I can’t take your money, I saw this before and I knew he jumped.”

The blonde says, “I saw it before, too, but I didn’t think he would jump again.”

Mother Superior Wisdom

Posted on February 26th, 2008 in Philosophy by

The wise old Mother Superior of the convent was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed, hoping to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk, but she refused it.

As one nun returned the still full glass of milk to the kitchen, she remembered that the previous Christmas they had

received a bottle of whiskey as a gift.

She dumped out some milk, poured in a generous helping of the whiskey, and returned to Mother Superior’s bedside.

Mother took a little sip, then a little more, and soon polished off the whole glass.

“Mother,” said the nuns, “give us some wisdom before you pass!”

She looked up and said, “Don’t sell that cow!”

50th Anniversary

Posted on February 17th, 2008 in Age by

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.

On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he’s getting sentimental because they’re celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, “No, I was thinking about the time before we got married.

Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he’d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn’t marry you. Tomorrow I would’ve been a free man!”

Bodily Malfunctions

Posted on February 12th, 2008 in Age by

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

One seventy year old man says, “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.”

An eighty year old man says, “My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”

The ninety year old man says, “At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow.” “So what’s your problem?” asked the others.

“I don’t wake up until nine.”

These People Should Be Dead By Now

Posted on February 8th, 2008 in Funny Pictures by

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Simple Questions, Complicated Answers

Posted on February 8th, 2008 in Questions by

Why is abbreviated such a long word?
Why does monosyllabic have five syllables?
Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Why do they call it a building? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a built?
Why is it when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If price and worth mean the same thing, why priceless and worthless are opposites?
Is there another word for synonym?
Is it possible to be totally partial?

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